A Bitch Named Life

What you are about to hear is a truly raw confession about my relationship with a bitch aptly named, Life. Tune in as I take you through what our relationship has looked like over the past few months. Afterward, I hope that you are moved to reflect on your own relationship with that bitch, Life, and be encouraged. 

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Transcript

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Hello, kings and queens. Welcome to my baranum filter. I know it's been a hot minute. I took a long, unscheduled hiatus from recording. Initially because of issues with my computer, but then life happened. Strap in, spark one up, and jump down this rabbit hole with me as I discuss a bitch named Life. Wow, y'all, I cannot tell you the last time I sat down and got in front of this microphone. I know it's been a minute. And I know that it makes me feel away being aware of that fact that something that I found joy in and purpose in I had to put on the back burner. Man, that's a horrible feeling. Putting your life on pause just when you start to feel good about things that's happening in your life. And so much of my life has happened since then, y'all. This equipment has been staring me in my face since then, begging me to get back to work on my purpose, on my passion. But it's been difficult. It's been very difficult. I had to really sit back and remember why I started the podcast in the first place. But like I said, getting out of my own head and finding the motivation to continue, it's been hard. It's been real hard. In this short time, my body has decided to reignite its campaign for the destruction of my mind. Paired with everyday life and struggles that come from living it. Despite having so much to say, despite having so much insight to share, I felt like my voice was suppressed by my mind. With that, of course, depression set in. And with it came the lies. The lies about my worth as a human being. I was officially at war with myself again. Me versus me, the same fucking battle I've been battling for so long. A constant and persistent foe. So my focus was redirected instantly to deal with this. And unfortunately, the podcast became the last thing I wanted to do. I mean, how could I record when all my energy was being used to keep my mental firewalls up so I didn't fall into that dark mental pit? There is no light there, no hope. I know. I have existed there for years in that hellhole, and I was not trying to go back there. There is no future to be seen or realized in that darkness. It was steadily reaching for me. I found it hard to breathe, let alone speak, when I am locked in battle with my mind. Laser focus is required, for me at least, because one wrong move could spell calamity. Today, I am still at war. It has been an eight long year campaign. A never-ending campaign to break me down emotionally, mentally, physically. I am so very grateful to be in a different space at this point in my life. A few years ago, I wouldn't have fought so hard to win the battle over my mind. My enemy is crafty and enjoys guerrilla warfare popping up during seemingly random times that are not so random. Like just when I'm smiling and happy and looking forward to the future. It knows the assignment. Destroyer. During this most recent attack, it has barred me from going to the gym, something that I was beginning to love and appreciate. It added two more specialists to my all-star healthcare team. It has consistently attacked my mental well-being. It is doing the most to destroy me. I remember times past that I would lose more battles than I would win. How I allowed myself to sleep the days away, isolate myself completely from the world, and ponder over the idea if ending my life was the solution. I don't know if anybody out there can understand and realize what it's like to be in a constant state of pain. I don't even know if I can articulate it in a way that people can truly understand. It's difficult. I mean, okay, ask yourself, how do you function on levels on any level? When you have a headache or a migraine, uh fucking rocking your shoe, anything. Are you performing at your best while at work, socializing, parenting? Probably not. Pain affects those things. Now imagine this going to bed in pain. Imagine dreaming about being in pain. Imagine waking up, unable to roll over and move your legs because they're paralyzed with extreme pain, followed by widespread nerve and joint pain from head to toe. Literally. Now imagine yourself rising to sit on the side of your bed and suddenly you're nauseous as if you have morning sickness. You grab for the garbage can and begin dry heaving. After that, you stand up, muscles feeling taut and ready to snap, especially in your neck and shoulders. Your mobility is stiff. Once you start to feel halfway human, your stomach growls from hunger, you feel starved, but you also still feel nauseous. So you're scared to break your fast in the morning because you might throw up. So you ignore the hunger pains and focus on fixing your energy to deal with the day. And with that day comes more pain. The pain could be anywhere, and it's constant. Sometimes it might feel like an invisible hand is stabbing you repeatedly with the needles. And when that pain gets bored, the fatigue taps in. And this isn't your normal fatigue. This kind lays a heavy-weighted blanket of exhaustion. People with chronic fatigue syndrome find it hard to describe. It feels unnatural like you've been seriously drugged. And if you happen to be behind the wheel when it decides to take over, a trip to the grocery store can feel like you've driven across country with no sleep and your eyes become hard to stay open. We've all been behind the wheel of a car tired and sleepy before, so I'm sure you can understand that feeling. It's dangerous. And I've had to pull over several times to prevent myself from crashing. And don't let both the fatigue and the pain jump you at the same time. Fibromyalgia, recurrent migraines, osteoarthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, just a few of my growing list of diagnosis. 43 with a hip replacement surgery scheduled June 5th. Yes, you heard me correctly. A hip replacement surgery. But what's really comical about that is that before I can even have the hip surgery in June, I just learned last week that I have to have surgery on my right wrist. Because of course, I'm gonna need my hands in order to support myself during the healing process with a walker and then eventually to a cane because I'm expected to start moving right away when I get my prosthetic hip. I don't even know. This came out of nowhere. They diagnosed me with tendonitis last year in November, and all I know is that the pain just progressively got worse to the point where I don't have full mobility in my right hand. It is very painful. Um, it hurts and it burns, and it just, man, it hurts, y'all. It hurts. That's all I can say. And I can't like I can't put my locks up in a hair tie. You know, I can't hardly have a hard time adjusting my bra, just moving my hands in ways that's fluid. And come to find out there's some type of deterioration of the joints, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Let's just say they had to go in there and release. And um, I gotta, I guess it takes three to four weeks for that to heal. And then I'm scheduled for my hip surgery right after that. It's not the half of it, y'all. And that gives you an idea about my everyday, but that's not the half of it. I am so tired of surgery. I'm so tired of going under anesthesia. That alone, the danger in that being put to you're not even asleep, they just lowering your heart rate. I hate that feeling of waking up and it's like no time has passed, you only blinked. It's very disorienting. I don't like that feeling. It feels weird as fuck to know that to be so vulnerable, to be so unaware. Anyway, I apologize. In the natural, confronting and dealing, dealing with this bitch named life. I've been feeling this way every day since 2015 when I got my first diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Ask yourself how I stay sane. I've had plenty of people ask me, girl, how do you even, I don't even know. How do you do it? How are you out here still smiling, still volunteering, still supporting? How are you still functioning? Grace and mercy, of course, grace and mercy. Some days I don't know how I stay sane. I can tell you that every day, all day, I have to choose to stay mentally balanced. It is hard living with pain as a constant companion. It leaves me little wiggle room to deal with my mental and emotional health. If one finds it hard to function with a headache, then being able to compartmentalize my pain, my physical pain, in order to focus on my mental health, the struggle of doing that every day, all day is so difficult. It's so difficult. And then I mean, outside of my family, which I love and adore, I mean, I often feel so alone. I don't have friendships, I don't have situationships. It feels like it's always going to be that way. That's it. That it's just me and this microphone. I mean, come on, y'all. My mind even tells myself that no man will even want a woman like me, that despite everything, all the love inside of me that's going to shrivel up and die, I'm going to be alone. Who wants to deal with someone that's constantly in a state of pain or you know, always hurting, or I don't know. There's a lot to contend with in my mind. I don't want my kids to be burdened by me and unable to live their life to their fullest because they have a disabled mother. Man, the ugly thoughts that come with this life of mine. Grace and mercy. Grace and mercy, girl. Grace and mercy. It has to play on a loop in my mind because recognizing that these ugly moments, these painful moments, the toxicity in my mind that's just trying to dig itself in, I have to remind myself how far I have come and that turning around is not an option. That despite having a broken body, I still have a beautiful mind. It's hard soul work keeping myself from going insane. I wish I had access to consistent friends. I wish I had someone, a man in my life to share this experience with, do this life shit with, because doing it alone without anyone fucking sucks. But it is what it is. And I want to believe that these things will happen, but I am beyond skeptical. People are weirder and more faker than ever. My interactions with men here lately has left much to be desired in the dating department. What is dating in 2023? What does that even look like? It looks like bullshit. So of course, I've put that on hole too. And I'm fine with that. That's that's definitely gotta be something that hit the back burner. Of course, y'all. I talk to people, okay? I've had a few wonderful and beautiful quality interactions with some men out here in the world that has helped restore my faith in men and at the same time help add to my confusion, you know, about men. But it is what it is. I mean, although I am a highly affectionate sexual and sensual being, I'd rather be alone with my pain than entertain a man that isn't interested in anything other than some fire ass head and some wet ass pussy. But that's the topic for another day. So I'm not even gonna stress on that right now. I just know that I really don't have a true outlet but this podcast, and I'm thankful to have it. But life, that bitch is trying to take that from me too, and I can't let that happen, y'all. I won't let that happen. I have a testimony to share, I have insight to give, I have a community to help. This life journey of mine has been challenging. My journey has been preparing me for my purpose, and it although it has been filled with pain and tears, it has also set the stage and paved the way for me to minister to a world in need as well as myself. I am turning the ugly truth in my life into something beautiful. Life is a bitch. But I tell you this. I promise to make it my bitch before it's over. Man, that was a lot, family. I know that was a lot, but it was very necessary. A very necessary step in order for me to move forward with what I'm trying to do. Getting all this out here has it feels like truly tangible, like a weight has been lifted and that I can think. I feel so much clearer now. And I just really appreciate you so much for tuning in. It is my hope that by doing so, you yourself have found the motivation to keep grinding. Tonight's episode, if it resonated with you in any way, please let me know. I would love to hear your raw and unfiltered thoughts. Check out the links below on where you can share those. And please subscribe to the podcast if you haven't already. Share it across all of your social media platforms. I could really use the support right now. If you have any suggestions on content you would like to hear more of, just let me know. I'm open to talk about and discuss anything. I have so much to say, so much to work on, so much that I want to do. There is a lot of you that I have connected with on the Blue app that I would just love to collab with. I mean, you all have testimonies yourselves that you are putting out there and sharing, but we really need to learn how to come together and make this cohesive, a movement that's truly affecting people. Since we're living our lives in the virtual world, we're putting our whole lives out there through picture, video, thought, we need to be coming together as a collective with all of that. Once again, family, thank you sincerely. I promise to do better on my end and not take so long to get back on the microphone. Me and this bitch life, we thugging it out. But I know I'm gonna come out on top. Until next time, y'all be good, be safe, and most of all, stay healthy. Drink your water, peace.