Mind Palaces and Minefields: A Random Internal Interlude

What you are about to hear is an authentic and genuine behind the scenes look into the internal dialogue that takes place in my mind palace when I allow my thoughts to drift from one to the other. Like mist, they can be hard to catch so I decided to record these seemingly scattered ramblings for posterity and for those who come after me. But are they truly scattered ramblings or a spirit filled message? You be the judge. Go ahead press play and jump down the next rabbit hole with me.


**This episode mentions Somatic Symptom Disorder, which at the time of this recording, I could not for the life of me remember.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Hello, Kings and Queens. Thank you so much for tuning in from wherever you are. Your time is important, a privilege, and you taking yours to tap into my podcast means so much to me. I really appreciate you. Because we do things different over here. Meaning that this podcast is not a copy and paste format of others that you've seen and heard, but is in its own lane entirely. What you are about to hear is a new format, so to speak. It's gonna drop you smack dab in the middle of my mind palace, giving you an intimate behind-the-scenes look at what honest and raw internal ramblings look like, at least in my head. Are you willing to jump down this rabbit hole with me? If so, sit back, relax, and open your mind. Let's go. I wanted to, I needed to get these thoughts down recorded. I've been stuck in a creative block here lately. A lot of you have been requesting a new podcast. When are you gonna do a new podcast? We need another podcast from you. And I appreciate you so much. Thank you. Thank you for even taking the time to listen to me, to hear me. I believe in authenticity and being yourself. And it's just amazing that once you embrace who you are, you will attract people that appreciate who you are. It is so tiring and exhausting. Living a life of other people's expectations of how you should walk, of how you should talk, of how you should dress, of how you should whatever. When you let go of other people's expectations of you, start pouring in expectations you have for yourself based on your wants, your needs, your desires. That's where real freedom comes from. But we know, we know, and we've talked about it before that it's a battle of the mind. It is a me versus me, you versus you, battle to the death all day, every day. And you have to decide who is going to come out on top. Will it be you or will it be you? Which one, the light or the dark? The choice is yours, but I digress. I am in a season in my life where for the first time I am truly loving where my mind is at, where it has taken me, and what it has allowed to be attracted to me. And by that I mean people, places, situations. I have so many positive interactions, more so than I've ever had in life, simply because energy is everything. You can't dress it up, you can't put a face on it, a facade. Energy speaks for itself and it's a beacon. It's a beacon of light. And we know that light attracts light. Light also attracts other things, it attracts bugs, it attracts parasitic nature, people that see you and get their straw out and just want to sip from you. It's your job to discern when you leave out the house all the different energies that you come in contact with. Are they draining you or is it an even exchange? As you pour into them, they pour back into you. Do you leave conversations, sisters, with your girlfriends, feeling drained? Do you find yourself always being the positive one? And no matter what you say, they have negative response. There's never any optimism, just pessimism, complaining, constantly negative. They ain't never got nothing positive to say. Whole conversation just be like, Wow, really? Are you serious? Damn, wow. Oh my goodness, man, sis, on a constant loop. That's it. That's all you hear on a constant loop. Because what can you feed into this conversation? And that says something about you and your character if you felt that way, because you know, you want to be able to pour into your friendship to have a friendship where you can tell your friend, your lover, your husband, your mother, your sister, your children how you feel about what you see they are doing or a direction that they are heading in. And they trust your counsel and know that what you're telling them is right and what you're telling them is true. And they acknowledge that they don't immediately get all up in their feelings and redirect and project and get mad and angry, you know, call you jealous, or call you a hater, or think that you don't care about them because you're not interested in enabling their toxic and negative mindset. So we love those people, but at the same time, you have to love yourself more and learn how to wean yourself or simply cut them off unapologetically. Tell them, hey, I love you, but this is the perfect time to add that. But I love you, but I cannot and will not entertain your bullshit. I will not sit and be a witness, a willing enabler to your toxic mindset because it's draining. That shit is poisonous, dear me. No different than spirit that jump on you just from an interaction. If you are feeling any kind of way, after an interaction, feeling drained, just feeling like damn, low energy, low vibrational. I'm gonna need you to vibrate higher, dear me. Vibrate higher. Why are you so scared to vibrate higher? To dismiss and let go of people, places, things, situations that do not serve any purpose in your life that's not trying to elevate you, pour into you, love on you. That's where the real work begins because there's something in you that keeps you in a cycle, abuse, negative situations with men, with women, with the world around you, on your job, at home, with your family. There's some work in you to be had, and that's awareness. Once you become aware of that, then you're either willfully ignorant or you just lazy. You're scared and either misinformed, or to be honest, what I'm seeing out here now, let's just call the spade a spade. I'm done giving people the benefit of the doubt. There's too much knowledge out here. There is no excuse for the willful ignorance that's going on right now in our community, in our world. I'm here tonight because the spirit moves in me to just press record and get my thought process out there for anyone and anyone to hear and listen to. I am so not scared to say what I feel, to say what I think, and to keep it raw and to keep it authentic. Never that. Never am I scared. So, with that said, I've been in a creative block and I've just been in my head healing, trying to get better from my recent surgery, this hip replacement. Man, it has been a doozy. This is one surgery I'm thankful for simply because the pain that I was living in. I don't think y'all understand how excruciating this pain is. And I can only compare it to. It's like, imagine a real human Barbie doll having her leg like ripped off, and right there where it's ripped off in the groin, that somebody is just stabbing and digging in it with a nice pick. Ugh, that's the only way that I can describe it. It was paralyzing. I was unable to move my leg at times. Even sitting down to, you know, butterfly my leg to use the restroom was painful. That pain is gone. I am so thankful, Lord. Thank you. That pain is gone. But I feel its phantom shadow. Like I be anticipating feeling this pain coming back. That's how long I've lived with this pain and how painful it was. It's imprinted itself on my memory banks that I can still recall it on a visceral level. That's how powerful that pain was for me. My joints was bone on bone, but because I was overweight at the time with the medication weight gain, my surgeon wasn't comfortable giving me that surgery. And still to this day, we don't know how I lost that 150 pounds. It just disappeared. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for that because it gave me a new lease on life. It allowed me to move in ways I hadn't been able to move in a long time. Man, my mental health was so much better because my quality of life was so much better than what I had been living with, living in. And nobody truly understands that level of uh pain. The doctors, you know, they want to put a name to that. Somatic, I think. Not psychosomatic. I'm not psycho-somatic, but and it deals with living in a constant state of pain. I don't think people believe me when I tell them I am in a constant state of pain every day, all day throughout my body. Is it mental? I don't know. And my mind is spiritual. In the medical world's mind is fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome is a combination of different diagnoses that deal with chronic pain. And I am always in pain. It takes so much, so much more energy to stay sane, to stay present, to stay smiling, stay caregiving, nurturing, loving. It takes so much energy. I recognize my well of energy, and it is deep. It feels infinite to me, and that's fucking draining. Let's be honest. People who are natural healers, who are natural lovers, givers, who are angels on earth. Let's be honest, this shit ain't fucking glittering rainbows. Ain't nothing nice about this divine mission. Ain't nothing nice when you know your purpose, and you live in a world surrounded by so much ugly, so much hate, so much willful fucking ignorance. It really makes me hate people sometimes. I love and hate people equally, and I want to hear that shit. That hate is such a bad word that I know exactly how bad of a word hate is, and I love them deeply, and that means I can hate them deeply because they are so ugly, so tainted, and I don't care what anybody got to say about that, it just is what it is. Call a spade a spade, stop with the willful ignorance. People are out here choosing. We can talk about the reasons why they're choosing, but still they're choosing when there are different options out here, they are choosing, but we can't even be a community, so we can't have a conversation about why people are choosing to do the things that they're doing. And what did I just read today? A five-year-old stabbed his twin brother and killed him because they had a what did they call it? A heated argument. What kind of heated argument does a five-year-old have that results to stabbing? It's okay to say that this poison runs so deep that it's infected the children. It's okay to say that because it is that's the truth. Y'all gonna have to start opening the curtains on shit. Expose it. This is tantamount to sweeping shit under the rug in families because y'all are private and don't want nobody to know y'all's business, and we're gonna keep it in the family. Meanwhile, man, don't get me started. Y'all generational curse bringers just keep repeating and repeating, and it's not so much a cycle that repeats itself as it keeps morphing and getting worse and worse each time, each time it manifests itself generationally in a more uglier and uglier and uglier way. This shit is looking monstrous, and I'm scared for my babies. Y'all have to excuse me. These are the things that I need on record for my baby girls. I got three queens that I'm raising, and I have to get creative in the ways that I pour into them because this world is trying to take them from me in different ways. It's all by design. It's a machine, it's a machine that I am fighting, and sometimes I feel like I'm fighting it alone. It's designed to make you feel like you're the crazy one because you're not conforming, giving in. Look, I'm just not gonna even talk about what I originally came here to talk about because apparently I've talked about a lot, and I feel good, I feel great. I feel like after this, I can leave here and feel confident in creating content that I pray you all love to hear and listen to and just appreciate because even doing this takes energy, energy that I am sharing, but my cup is overflowing. I thank you, I thank you so much. I got some beautiful people in my life, they see to it that I am filled every day. And what more can you ask for? And genuine, authentic, organic connections that just grow naturally. And when real truly recognizes real, you know, it is seamless. Like they've always been there, they easily fit like a glove into your life, you know, and these people know who they are, and I appreciate y'all so very much because you've been a light to me, you've filled me up, and and have kept me from the abyss of isolation. I am thankful for that truly, because if I wasn't willing to be different, to transform, to grow, to elevate, I would not never have recognized these energies. I would have never known that these type of people are out here, that there are indeed some good people left in the world, that I'm not the only unicorn out here. I can't even come up with a better word other than good when I say good people. Anything else just seems fake and phony. These people are good. Hear me? They are pure. Man, I'm thankful. Good people need good people in their life. It's not a give and a take, it's a give and a give because it's just fluid, it's natural. We give naturally, and as I give to them, they give to me. There's no questions asked about it. It's just a beautiful, wonderful exchange of energy. And we need that more than ever. We need to know how to recognize those energies, we need to know how to cultivate those energies, and we need to know how to nourish those energies because we need them. We need them more than ever. I think that's another conversation, too, don't you think? Because I believe I've kept y'all long enough. I don't even know what I was talking about. I hate that. I hate when I get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes I can forget what I'm thinking about as I'm thinking because that's just how fast my brain moves. I've had to go see a neuropsychologist thinking that I'm going crazy, but really it's just uh concluded that because of the pain that I live in, the change in quality of life and how depressing that has been, you know, for me and my life, it has irrevocably changed, fundamentally changed me that it plays on my mind and it wreaks havoc. So if this episode seems scattered, I want you to know that this is me. I am so not perfect. I'm not trying to have a perfect podcast. I'm not trying to leave you guys with anything other than a rock in the moment. God, that's really real and that's really honest. I don't need anything to be scripted. It's nice to have scripted shows. It is really, you know, it's nothing wrong. If you associate being professional with doing things a certain kind of way, then call me unprofessional. This is the unprofessional podcast. And yeah, we're gonna keep it real over here. Y'all say honesty is the best policy, but when somebody is being truly honest, you can't handle the truth, and that's facts. I'm past that point. It is what it is, so that's why I'm gonna end it here because I feel scattered, and I don't want you to leave here feeling scattered, but I do want you to have heard me about protecting your energy and protecting yourself from the people that that take your energy parasitically, knowingly, and they abuse it, manipulate it, you know, they don't pour it back into you, they don't do anything that help fill your cup. People talk about filling cups all the time. Fill your cup, fill your cup. What do you mean by that? What do you mean when you tell people don't pour in the this type of cup, that kind of cup with this much water and no water at all, or with holes on the bottom? What does that mean? Explain it so that people understand, can see it in their life, and be able to apply it. Everybody is different, but at the same time, we are all out here living the human experience on different degrees and levels. Each one, teach one, help one, period. After listening to my internal ramblings, I want to clarify something I said about expectations. I no longer have expectations. I'm doing away with expecting anything from anyone. Now I have requirements. I can see times pass where I lowered the price, lowered the bar for access to me. I entertained people that I knew didn't deserve my presence, my energy, and I did that for various reasons. What I call those irrational rationalizations. I created rationales, basically excuses for these people. Through a retrospective lens, I see all the versions of me collectively, how I came to be in spaces with these people, in situations that could have been fatal and doing things, behaving in ways that, which I think about it now, it would make me go insane if I were a witnessing my children doing and living life in the ways that I used to. I can draw a direct line to my raising, to my poor mental health, to feelings of self-hate, to my naivety, my conditioning, ignorance, and gullible nature. I was not good to myself. So my life's experiences had no choice but to include people, places, and things that were not good to me or for me. We literally attract energy that reflects our own, as well as we repel energies that are not in alignment with our own. What does that mean? It means that based on my own energy, whatever level I am operating on mentally, physically, spiritually, I'm going to attract people on that level or worse. At the same time, I can look back and see the design. This training in spiritual warfare and navigation of social constructs, it was not until I broke free from the matrix, the world as I was conditioned to see. It and jacked up the algorithm of my life by growing mentally, emotionally, spiritually dead. I recognize that energy is truly everything. When you choose to do the painful work to heal, you will enter a new boss level in this game of life. The ops are bigger and stronger, but also your allies. Allies being the people on your team. They will be loving, caring, investing, intentional. They will be a light, a reflection of who you are. And those relationships become possible the moment you decide to recognize your light. Embrace it and protect it. If you desire better, be better. And cut off anything or anyone who is hampering you from being better and or doing better. They have yet to break free from their mental chains. Some never do. Some don't want to. The ones who are content with saying, that's just who I am. Some choose to parlay in the darkness of their minds. They will handcuff you to them if you let them. There is no room to wonder. You are what you attract and choose to entertain. As simple as that. So I implore you to reevaluate the cost of what is required to have access to you. If it ain't adding and is only subtracting and dividing, no multiplying, the math ain't mathing. And they cannot afford you. Or better yet, you cannot afford to give them your love, your time, your body, your loyalty, your energy. If access to you is that cheap, you have zero room to lament your woes, your complaints of being hurt, harmed, mistreated, mishandled, fumbled, whatever you want to cry about. Be honest with yourself at why you choose to entertain what you do. And I promise you will discover the very things you need to work on within yourself. Then the question will become: are you willing to do the work? The shadow work? Are you willing to go to war for yourself? Require more for yourself and attract people that meet those requirements, not expectations. I'm gonna get out of here and get about your ear. I love y'all. Hey there, kings and queens, welcome to the other side. Did you enjoy the ride down this rabbit hole of verbal gulage? I don't know about you, but when I am deep in thought, my mind can take me down several rabbit holes. My internal ramblings be seemingly merging to the next with no rhyme or reason. That's how a visit to my mind palace works. Nothing there is linear. Through writing and journaling, I do find focus. I've embraced the fact that I have yet to become a meditation guru, nor have I delved deep into the practice, so I just use various forms to focus linearly on a particular thought or subject. At the same time, I love my mind palace, even though it is constantly under reconstruction. I know that I can go there and dive deep under the surface of life. That is a beautiful mind to me. Anywho, I thank you. I thank you so much for your time, your energy, and your ear. If this episode resonated with you in any way, please be kind and leave me your own raw and unfiltered review on your favorite digital streaming and or social media platform. It is a great way for me to gauge the content I am producing and if it is found as being relevant, because I truly want to create content that you all can find relevance, inspiration, motivation, and activation in. And most of all, I just want to be a light. So thank you in advance for your review. Be sure to look below for links to my Baron and Filtered Podcast social media accounts. You can find me pretty much everywhere outside of YouTube. I have yet to learn how to do all that, and I haven't taken the time to do so, but soon, hang in there. Once again, I appreciate you being here with me, jumping down rabbit holes and just taking a deeper dive into life and what that looks like in a real authentic way. I look forward to the next time. Until then, you know the deal by now, don't you? Be good, be safe, stay healthy, and drink your water. Water is life. Peace.